War is imminent, thanks to a flamethrower.

Local "genius" Elon Musk strikes again, now with a revolutionary idea to drive sales of his brand new project, a... flamethrower. Now, as we all know, it is crucial for all households to have access to a flamethrower, especially due to the recent Trump presidency, yet this still didn't meet the quarterly expectations that Musk envisioned - but this wasn't enough to dampen Musk's dream, who was determined to show the world what the patented Musk-approved Flamethrower could do. One hour later from this revelation, came a new project from Musk's prime enterprise, The Boring Company - the Boring Virus. A genetically-modified subspecies of the common flu, the virus itself is an untreatable illness, that sets it's sight on the human nervous system, with one goal - to pit humans against their worst enemy - themselves. This is part of a new, long-term initiative by Musk, to ensure sales of his future projects, as well as eliminating the sales of his competition - to quite a literal extent. But surely, if Musk's past failures are anything to go on (Take for example Elon's last failed business venture with collaborative partner Cave Johnson, Aperture Science laboratories), why should we trust Musk this time? Well, says an anonymous business analyst - we shouldn't. We're all gonna die.

But maybe there's a saving grace to this, some way of ensuring that we'll survive this mess? Perhaps, but right now it looks pretty bleak - Musk promised to provide more details through his social media, but we'll update this article if we receive any more news ahead of the pathogen's release next week, but if not, we solemnly hope there's a heaven.

UPDATE: In the early hours of this morning, a signal was sent out from SpaceX's space centre in California, directly to products by produced by Musk's companies - with quite the strange intention. Tesla vehicles, for example, put the words "DON'T PANIC" on the dashboard, with their app displaying the message "Please could all Tesla customers remain in their vehicles for the upcoming test firing, to ensure your safety". Strangest of all, Elon's main competitor, Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook, held a live video conference for less than a few seconds, only needing that essential time to share his view. Mark simply uttered the words, "Welcome to planet Earth, or should I say, a planet now solely occupied by the rich." Seeming to have knowledge of Musk's intentions, we attempted to reach out to Zuckerberg, but with no response as of yet. Finally, an anonymous employee of Tesla motors spoke out in the silence, saying that the cars have an unlisted feature that 'we couldn't begin to comprehend' but for fear of something, she had to refrain from commenting anything more, other than providing us with a string of letters and numbers. If you'd like to have access this code, you can become a premium member for the low price of £3 a month - sign up on our website now to receive a discount on your next order!